Childless

Some days, it hurts to watch all my friends getting pregnant and having babies.Some days, I wish it was me, my baby, and my spotlight. Some days, I wonder when...when will it be my turn? And I feel empty knowing that it's not right now.

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But those days, I'm living apart from the Spirit of God and these thoughts that take over are just selfish. And I know that because I LOVE my friend's kids. They bring untold joy into my life. But sometimes, I want my own...

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It's not that I can't have kids. It's just that my husband and I both believe that it's not time yet. I've prayed and asked God, "Please soon." And each time He's said, "Wait."

It's not that I doubt if we'll ever have children...it's just that I want my timing, not God's.

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It's not that we're afraid of the ministry lifestyle with kids. In fact, we are both SO excited to raise a family deeply involved in serving the Lord through full or part time ministry.

It's just that sometimes I want what I think is best, instead of what God thinks is best.

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And slowly, over the past two years, God has been working in my heart a patient trust for His timing. Sadly, I look back at many times where I have questioned His timing and cried to not have my way. But He has shown me in so many other areas that His timing is perfect, so why would I not trust Him in this area too?

A few nights ago, I found out that another dear friend is pregnant with her first. The reactions began: Jumping-up-and-down excitement for her Awe and wonder at the joy of new life Instant desire to shop for baby clothes Sadness that it still is not my time

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And then, as I began to meditate on God's truth, a new reaction formed in my heart. Joy. Peace. Excitement. An excitement to meet our future children like no excitement I've had before. A passionate desire to pray for them even now. A contentment in the fact that God had a beautiful, perfect family planned for my husband and I, and right now, it's just us two.

Ladies, as I write this, my heart is so content. I am so excited and so in love with my 'someday' children, whoever they are and whenever they will join our family. But I'm not impatient, because God already has a beautiful plan and His plan is best. So why rush it? I would only mar the beauty.

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Sisters, you who are married, or perhaps still single, desiring children, but knowing that God is saying wait...will you join me in excited expectation instead of anxious longing? Will you cast those desires on God and trust that His plan is far more perfect than yours or mine could ever be? Will you join me in praying for and falling in love with your future children now?

By God's grace I will continue in this joyous trust and thankful, in-advance celebration.

Be blessed <3

{Please know that I am writing this from my own life and heart, what God is teaching me. I understand that there are many women out there who desire to have children but who, for one reason or another, cannot. This post was not written to you specifically, since I am not currently in that place. Know that my heart goes out to you in tears and prayers. May you find a similar peace in Him. <3}

{P.S. The adorable children are the kids of my sweet friends and are a constant joy to me! Thanks to them for allowing me to use these pictures.}