I wish I'd written it down that exact second. I wish I'd recorded every word flying through my brain, every emotion pulsing through my body. But I stalled and the feelings passed and the words faded. Yet memory's imprint of that moment was left clearly on mind.
Washing my hands.
Choking back tears.
My minds eye seeing...
seeing my father's face saying goodbye.
seeing the faces of my sisters, my mother, my brothers.
reliving the moments with friends.
Choking back tears, the change, the movement, hit me staggering my mind with it's weight.
Nine months later, we went back to visit. Things had changed in that childhood home of ours…many things for such a short space of time. And yet it felt familiar, the same. As if time had almost stood still and waited for us to return, holding out her hands, inviting us back.
Glancing in the mirror.
Sudsing my hands
Shrugging my tired shoulders in an attempt to keep my purse firmly in place.
My minds eye seeing…
sandy white beaches.
precious, new friends.
a city, a town, a church, a life.
Nine months later, these white beaches and honking drivers, this wide, blue sky and flat warm earth, they had become familiar too. Perhaps not as comfortable, but just as much loved. Another life, but not a life standing still, waiting for us to come back. A life vibrantly shift and moving and forcing us to grow and change and adapt and surrender and love.
A life, two lives in fact. Each so breath-taking in their beauty. Each so vastly different in their execution. The volatile change required for the one; the familiarity and peace given by the other.
Were not the call there, were not the need seen, and were not the cost weighed, I would choose the familiar, the peaceful, the lovely. But the call has been heard, the need has been seen, the cost has been counted and I cannot turn back. For this path of surrender to God's call has not only taken my life, it has taken my heart. This is where I belong, wherever He decides to lead.
Looking up from that bathroom sink I know…the tears will come, the hearts will rend, but in the end, He has called and I have gone and I will go again. And it is well with my soul and it is peace with my heart and it is rest with my mind.
I will trust in His promise, that there will be no regrets.