In a moment of quiet while my husband and son nap, I close my eyes. The constant chatter in my head rattles louder as I try to sleep.
Slow, deep breaths
I turn my mind to meditate on His Word, hoping that might still my busy mind enough for sleep to take over.
But instead my thoughts turn deep and messy. I tug at strings of thought and conviction, slowly untangling the mess of my mind until this one thought pulls free and clear...
"I am motivated by pride and desire.”
Deep and depressing for a peaceful afternoon nap…"sigh”.
This conviction untangles further in my mind.
"My greatest longing is not to see the face of God or make His name great, but to have others see my name as great. To be admired, honored, and respected is my most often motivation.”
I want to be worshiped rather than to lead people to worship.
And it sounds so ugly said like that, but any other saying is merely a masking of the truth.
In this moment of pause, when I suddenly see my ugly desires from a clear perspective, I feel the urge to hide, to retreat to the safety of average.
”There’s no need to write or serve or lead or disciple. Average is good. Normal is fine. Just surviving the day to day is more than enough. I don’t need to stick out. Because if I stick out then I’m going to struggle with this pride.”
But God has planted desires deep within me that I cannot step back from with a clean conscience. Writing, serving, mothering, teaching, and loving my husband are so passionately a part of me and and so strongly knitted into my heart that to step back from working to grow in and better use them would also be wrong.
So I sigh as I envision the struggle forward, the struggle I’ve lived most my life...doing the things God has called me to and ending up bruised and broken again and again when my motives turn wrong.
Praise God that He is in the business of mending the broken, healing the battered and bruised, and restoring the sinner.
I'm sure that when He wove these various passions into my being, He knew the struggles that would follow. As He knit talents and passions into me, He saw the sins that would come, the struggles that would plague my heart. But He loved me anyways.
And if He can love this mess of mixed up motives and misplaced desire, then surely I can love Him back by stepping into the opportunities He has given me to use these gifts and passions for His glory.
His glory might look like people knowing my name and reading my words and learning things He has given me to teach. But His glory might look like me pouring out my life and gifts and talents for no further end than my own personal growth and the benefit that brings to the people most tightly woven into my life.
Either way, I will have been obedient, and that's what truly counts for His glory.